Tuesday, December 11, 2007

CUC launches Operation Rolling Freedom

The power in my Garapan office went out as I was sitting down to work on today’s Saipan Tribune article. CUC stands for Commonwealth Utilities Corporation. They are the government agency that is responsible for keeping the lights on. Their nickname on Saipan is Customers Use Candles. There has been a lot of talk about the use of satire in our newspapers lately. This is my attempt.

CUC announced today that all Rolling Blackouts have ceased. They are to be replaced with Freedom Blackouts.

“This is all about doing our part to support the War on Terror,” says CUC spokesperson Pamela Mathis.

CUC issued a press release earlier today stating that “Freedom Blackouts will now occur every time it is necessary to support the troops in Iraq. Everyone knows terrorists come from countries with lots of oil. If we can cut back on our usage of oil, then we can cut down on the threat of terrorism at home and abroad.”

Mathis added, “the next time you think about cursing CUC, please keep in mind that these measures will also improve tourism, protect our culture, and cut down on the number of red flagged beaches.”

When asked to explain the reasoning behind the measures, Mathis stated, “Well look…wait, is that Elvis?!”

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I sent in three articles today, including the one you just read. We'll see what gets printed tomorrow.

4 comments:

saipanboonieman said...

now this is definately satire. but you might still wind up getting a resolution too....

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

I hope so.

Walt got one before me and he's not even Chamorro.

So much for special treatment. I guess that argument has to be thrown out.

Sorry, Unity March People.

bradinthesand said...

elvis... now we gotta call her pamela memphis

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

I'm sure she'll appreciate that.

I think Matt Gregory is just waiting for me to break the law for my calling him Smokin' Matty G. I'll probably get life with no parole for littering.